Lucy's Secret - Final Draft

Welcome! "Lucy's Secret" is an interactive fiction about a ten-year-old girl growing up in an alcoholic household. This game follows Lucy as she navigates through life while dealing with daily conflicts resulting from her mom's alcoholism. It is not a lighthearted, fun story. Instead, this game describes parental alcoholism from a child's perspective. It illustrates the emotional and mental impact that living with an alcoholic parent can have on a child. Please be aware that this game features emotionally abusive situations. It shows some possible realities children face in these circumstances and how scary alcoholism can be for children. This game does not represent the experiences of every family living with an alcoholic, as no two will be exactly alike. [[Play Game.->Beginning Character Intro]]

You are a ten-year-old girl named Lucy and are just about to begin your fifth-grade school year. You live in an average middle-class home with your parents and your younger brother, Adam. Up until a few years ago, you were very close to your mom. She would do all your favorite things with you, such as playing games, helping with homework, cooking meals, shopping, and reading bedtime stories. She was everything you could ask for in a mom. Then one day, you saw her drunk for the first time. Since that day, things have never been the same. [[Next.->Cleaning Day]]

It's a Saturday morning. You're about to begin your fifth-grade year of school! You are nervous, excited, and a bit sad. Your elementary school is the only one you've known, and next year you'll be at a new middle school. However, something special is happening this year. Your younger brother, Adam, will be starting kindergarten. For the first time, you'll be at school together. Hoping to enjoy one of your last school-free weekends, you race to the kitchen. It's only 8 am, but you're already fully dressed. Your mom promised you a fun day at the zoo, and you want to get there early so you'll have time to see everything. [[Next.->Kitchen]]

Feeling a bit shaken up, you put the diary on your shelf. It's been about a year now, but you still remember what happened a few days after that day. Your mom took you out for ice cream even though you were still not talking to her because she scared you so badly. At the ice cream place, she sat you down and promised it will never ever ever happen again. You believed her because you had no reason not to trust her. For a few months, it didn't happen again. In fact, you had pretty much forgotten the entire incident. Then one day, you came home from school and she was drunk again. She was hard to understand as her words were all slurring together. She also couldn't stand up very well and kept falling to the floor when she tried to walk. However, apart from this morning, that was the only other time anything had happened. Besides, this morning had been nothing really. For all you know, she was just sick like Dad said. [[Next.->Water Park or Mini Golf]]

It's a Friday morning. It has almost been a week since that disappointing Saturday. Mom apologized many times for ruining the day and promised to make it up to you and Adam. Since it's the last Friday before school starts, she offered a choice of going to a water park or going to play mini-golf. Which do you choose? [[Water park.]] [[Mini-golf.]]

You lie awake for a bit as you reflect on the amazing day you had. "There's no way she'll ever get drunk again after a day like this," you think, "Plus, Adam will be starting school this year, and Mom was even talking about how excited she is for the chance to go back to work." Your thoughts wander back to the zoo incident last week, and you decide that she must've truly just been sick that day. After all, she hadn't been drunk for many many months before then. And there's no way she'll do that again. She promised. You begin to fall asleep while feeling some excitement for the upcoming school year. Everything's going to be great. You know it will. [[Next.->First Day of School]]

It's a Tuesday afternoon. Tonight is open house at school. You know there's no way Mom would drink when she knows she'll be meeting your teacher, so you aren't worried at all. As you get off the bus, excitement sets in because you love open house night. You think it's so much fun to give your parents a tour of the classroom and show them your desk. You even have some special art hanging on the classroom wall you made just for your mom. You know she's going to love it! You walk inside and run to hug your mom. Fear rushes through you when you notice an alcohol smell to her breath. Before you can say anything, Dad walks through the door. He kisses Mom but doesn't say anything about the smell. [[Did he notice? Maybe you're just imagining it?]] [[Next.->Open House 2]]

It's a Monday afternoon in mid-August. Today was your first day of 5th grade and Adam's first-ever day of school! To celebrate, Mom promised to have a special dessert waiting for you and Adam when you get home. You anxiously watch the clock. You can't wait to get home and tell her all about your first day. When the final bell rings, you rush to find Adam so you can help him get on the bus. He tells you all about his first day, and then you remind him of the cookies Mom promised to bake. When you finally reach your stop, you rush off the bus. You challenge Adam to a race, and you both run towards home as fast as you can. You walk inside and find the house [[eerily quiet]]. The kitchen looks untouched, and you don't see cookies anywhere. You tell Adam to go up to his room to put his stuff away while you look for Mom. "Mom?! Mom! We're home, and we have so much to tell you!" you yell excitedly. That's when you find her passed out on her bed. A half-empty wine glass sits on her nightstand. You fight the feelings of disappointment as you decide what to do. Which do you choose? [[Wake her up.-> Wake]] [[Leave her asleep.->Asleep]]

After about an hour, Dad comes home with dinner and a surprise. Brownies! Adam's face lights up when he sees them, and he rushes to hug Dad. When dinner is ready, Mom wakes up and comes to join. Her face is a bit puffy, and she says she has a headache. You figure she must be sick, and you forget the entire incident. Your happiness returns, and you spend the rest of dinner telling your parents all about your first day of school. [[Next.->Open House]]

Mom's words keep replaying in your head. Things are getting really bad at home too. She's drunk a few days a week now, and you never know which [[version of your mom]] you'll be coming home to. You keep thinking about what you might have done to make her drink so much, but you can't think of anything. You figure it's just because you exist. Perhaps if you hadn't been born, she'd be much happier. Unfortunately, you can't change that now, but you still secretly hate that you exist. After all, if your mom doesn't love you, then no one else can. You also no longer feel worthy of having friends or enjoying playing games with classmates at recess. Instead, you decide to... [[Sit alone on the sidewalk.->Sit alone]] [[Read a book.->Read a book.]]

It's a Saturday morning in mid-September. Dad invites Adam and you out to run a few errands and then for lunch at a new pizza place. When you return home, you have a slice of pizza for Mom. When you rush inside to give it to her, you find her wandering around the kitchen and looking confused. The familiar alcohol smell fills the house. "Here's your pizza, Mommy," you say timidly. [["I don't want that junk,"]] she slurs and throws it on the floor. Dad and Adam walk in a second later. Dad looks shocked and angry and tells you to take Adam outside for a bit. Do you... [[Pretend to go outside and listen to the conversation.]] [[Go outside and play.]]

It's late September. You have a science test tomorrow, and you're dreading it. You want your mom to be proud of you, so you feel that you have to do perfectly on this test. You did everything you can think of to prepare: made flashcards, read all the chapters multiple times, and reviewed class worksheets and notes. After all that preparation, you can't believe tomorrow is test day. You decide you need to go over everything a few more times to be sure you know it. When you get home, Adam is glowing with excitement. He got this cool game at school, and he wants you to play it with him. You tell him... [[I can't play right now. I need to study.]] [[Okay, we can play it quickly.]]

The day you've been dreading is finally here. Test day! Eeeek! Your heart races as you stare at the back of the test packet in front of you. You take a deep breath as your teacher tells everyone to flip the test over and begin. You answer every question as thoroughly as you can. There were a few questions you felt a tad unsure about, but you still managed to answer them. When you finished checking your work for the fourth time you go to hand it in. Tomorrow you'll get the grade back. [[Next.-> Test result]]

When the dismissal bell rings, you find Adam and walk with him to the bus. You're still devastated, but you force a smile. You [[cannot let him see you sad.]] When you get home, you find Mom passed out on the living room floor. The house is also a total mess. You fix Adam a snack, and then you begin to clean up your mom's mess and set the table for dinner. You think that maybe if you take care of Mom's chores, she'll stop drinking and be less stressed. [[Next.->September.]]

You decide to sit by yourself on the sidewalk and watch your classmates play. You used to join them, but now you don't feel like having fun. How can they be so carefree and happy? How can they have a mom that loves them while yours doesn't? What do they do that you don't? The more you think about these questions, the sadder you feel. You don't understand how things have become so bad. Your mom used to be everything you could ever want. And now, you don't even recognize her. For entertainment, you pick up a stick and poke at the ground. [[Next.->Teacher Concerned]]

You bring a novel outside to recess and plop down under a tree. You hate your world, and you'd much rather get lost in some fantasy world. You desperately want to be somewhere else, even if it's only in your mind. You're ruining your mom's life after all. You just want everything to go away. [[Next.->Teacher Concerned 2/Bookworm]]

You're so involved in your thoughts that you don't notice your teacher approaching. She sits down next to you. "Lucy, are you okay?" she asks gently. "Oh, yes, I'm fine. Just tired," you say a tad alarmed. "You always play with your friends at recess. You're sure nothing is going on at home or anything?" she asks again. "Yeah, I'm super sure. I was up late playing a video game with my brother. We just had to beat this really hard level," you lie. Your teacher laughs and says it sounds like you had a fun night. She seems satisfied with your answer and goes back over to join the rest of the teachers. You sigh of relief that she's gone, but you're also feeling scared. You realize you can't draw any attention to yourself like this again. [[No matter how you feel, you must act okay. No one can know your secret.]] [[Next.->Get Home]]

You're so involved in your book that you don't notice your teacher approaching. She sits down next to you. "Lucy, are you okay?" she asks gently. "Oh, yes, I'm fine. Just tired," you say a tad alarmed. "You always play with your friends at recess. You're sure nothing is going on at home or anything?" she asks again. "Yeah, I'm super sure. I was up late reading a book because I had to find out what happened next," you lie. Your teacher laughs and says she was also a bookworm at your age. She seems satisfied with your answer and goes back to join the rest of the teachers. You sigh with relief that she's gone, but you're feeling scared. That was way too close for comfort. You also realize that now for the rest of the school year, you'll have to pretend to be a bookworm. Things just got even more complicated, and you didn't think that was possible. [[Next.->Home Fantasy]]

Things go from bad to worse when you get home. The house is a total wreck from one of Mom's throwing things rampages. There's also no dinner cooking and no treat. You look for Mom, but she's not there. You realize she probably [[walked to the nearby bar]] just a few minutes up the road. "Where's Mommy?" Adam asks. "Oh, she's probably just with a friend," you tell him. You do your best to sound upbeat and not worried. You don't want Adam to know that anything is wrong. "Tell you what. How about you go outside and play pirate, and I'll start cleaning up some of this mess. As soon as I finish, I'll join you. Sound good?" you ask. "Okay!" he says and runs outside. You're secretly very worried because everything is getting much worse lately. Your mom keeps sneaking out to the bars at all hours of the day. One night, the police even brought her home because she was being too loud. Thank goodness Dad was home that day. You worry what would have happened if the police brought her home and found out Adam and you were home alone. [[Next.->September]]

When you get home, Mom is drunk. Unfortunately, she's nowhere near passing out. Instead, she's stomping back and forth through the halls and up and down the stairs. She's yelling and cussing at nothing in particular. You're quite relieved a few minutes later when Dad comes home early. Mom [[redirects her yelling]] at him and starts cussing him out and calling him names for no reason other than her being drunk. You aren't in the mood to hear any of it, so you disappear into your room, pull out your book, and begin reading. "Maybe being a bookworm isn't so bad," you think. [[Next.->Book and Diary]]

It's early October. Pressure at school is increasing as you realize you can't handle making a mistake of any kind. You feel like you have so much responsibility. You're doing all the chores at home, taking care of Adam, and studying like crazy. You believe if Mom has nothing to do, then she can't be stressed. She also keeps talking about [[going back to work]], but that hasn't happened yet. You wish she would because then she'd have less time to drink. Of course, you feel that if you were doing a better job at school and around the house, the drinking wouldn't be an issue to begin with. [[Next.->Go Home ]]

It's early October. The number of days that Mom is drunk is far outnumbering the days she's not. You're feeling so lost and so alone. You don't enjoy things like you used to. You feel like there's nothing to be happy about or to look forward to anymore. You do your best to pretend you're happy because the last thing you want is to draw any attention to yourself. You do wish you had someone to talk to, but your dad keeps reminding you that you [[must never tell]] about what happens at home. It must be our family secret. [[Next.->Make a friend or don't]]

You rush home from the bus stop. There's a big project due this week, and you want to have as much time as possible to work on it. Mom has been drinking more days than not lately, and you've made up this new routine. You beat Adam to the front door, then you slowly crack the door open and listen. If you hear a lot of yelling, cussing, or banging, then you know Mom is drunk and in a [[mean mood]]. If you hear [[total silence]], you know she's been drinking and is probably passed out. If you hear just a [[normal amount of noise,]] you know she is fine and has not been drinking. Today you hear total silence. You walk inside to find the house an absolute mess. It looks like she's been on one of her [[destructive drunk episodes]]. She has thrown books, plates, toys, and food all over the floor. Currently, she's passed out on the living room rug. You secretly hope she stays there because it's not good for her to be awake when she's feeling mean. Plus, you're not in the mood to be yelled at right now. You survey the mess and decide what to do. Do you... [[Leave the mess and work on your project.]] [[Clean up the mess and do the project later.]]

It's a Sunday morning. Mom is drunk already and [[on the phone with a friend]]. You decide to listen to her conversation. "I don't see why no one will hire me. Not that I care too much as I don't have much to live for. I just have no motivation for anything in life right now. With Adam in school, I'm just useless, and no one needs me. There's no purpose to my life anymore," she complains. You spend all day thinking about her conversation. That's when you remember some flyers you saw on the school bulletin board. One was for a dance class, and one was for swimming. You think that maybe her taking you to a class would give her this purpose she needs. You decide to... [[Ask for dance classes.]] [[Ask for swimming lessons.]]

You decide against swimming because the dance classes would have a recital to work towards. You imagine that your mom would feel special for getting to help you get dressed for the recital and later watching you perform on a beautiful stage in front of an audience. You can't help but smile when you think of the pretty dance costumes and your mom putting your hair into a ballerina bun before each class. "This is the answer. This is what I must do," you think. You work up the nerve, and at dinner, you ask about taking a dance class. To your surprise, your parents say yes without any hesitation! [[Next.->Company or Just for Fun?]]

You end up deciding against the dance classes because with swimming you could take it with Adam. You imagine that it would make Mom so happy to see the two of you doing something together. Plus, Adam has never taken a class before, and you think he'd have tons of fun. You decide to ask Adam first, so it's not a shock to him at dinner. "Do you wanna take a class with me and learn how to swim? Mom might really love for us to do it," you tell him. He thinks for a moment before responding, "Okay! But only if you're there with me." "I will be. I promise," you tell him. You work up the nerve, and at dinner, you ask about taking a swimming class. To your surprise, your parents say yes without any hesitation! [[Next.->Mom keeps showing up late to pick you up]]

It's a Friday morning. Your first recital is tomorrow, and you're so excited. You've been practicing like crazy to make sure you know every move by heart. Even better, you have a special surprise just for Mom. You presented this great idea to your teacher that at the end of the show, everyone would hold up a poster for a special someone in the audience. You made one that says, "I love you, Mommy" in sparkly pink letters. If that doesn't make your mom feel special, you don't know what will. [[Next.->Recital]]

It's a Tuesday night at swimming class. This is the third week of class now. What you didn't realize is that the swimming academy is next to a restaurant with a full bar. While the other parents are busy watching their kids during the swimming lessons and snapping photos, your mom is [[sneaking off to the bar next door]] to drink. To top it off, each week she's been picking you up twenty minutes late. The ride home tonight was particularly awful. She was swerving in her lane, falling asleep at traffic lights, turning too wide into people's yards, and driving so slow that a snail could move faster than the car. You've had enough of it. Plus, you don't really enjoy swimming like you thought you would. Adam told you he isn't having much fun either. You decide to ask Adam if... [[He wants to quit completely.->Quit completely]] [[He wants to try a different activity.->New Activity]]

Your feelings of loneliness continue to increase. You're isolating from everyone because you don't feel like you can [[relate to anyone else your age]]. Who else could understand what you're going through? Though you question the point of friendships, a new girl joined your class last week and she looks super nice. She hasn't made any friends yet, and she's always eating alone just like you do. You try and decide if you want to say "hi" or keep to yourself. You decide to... [[Say "hi."]] [[Keep to yourself.->Don't say hi]]

You decide to say "hi" and sit with her during lunch. You don't want a friendship to come of it because you know you'll [[never be able to tell]] her any of your deep secrets or anything like that. However, you figure it might be nice to have someone to talk to at school. At the very least, it sure will make appearing happy and normal much easier. [[Next.->Invite Friend Over]]

You think hard about saying "hi" to her, but you decide against it. You've gotten used to eating alone and not talking to anyone all day. Besides, who would even want to be your friend? And it's [[not like you'd ever be able to tell her your secrets]] or invite her over or do any of the normal things friends do. It's much easier to keep to yourself. [[Next.->Depression worsens]]

To keep up your new bookworm image, you've been carrying around a novel everywhere while at school. You read at recess, at lunch, and during any small break. To your surprise, your finding that you enjoy it. No one bothers the girl who's always reading. Your teacher seems happy to have a bookworm in the class as well. She says to let her know if you ever need any novel suggestions. Your on your last chapter of your current novel. It's almost time for recess, so you decide what to do. Do you... [[Go to the library to find a new book.->Library]] [[Go outside and finish up this book.->Journal]]

You're on the last few pages of your book when your teacher starts walking towards you. Your heart starts pounding because you're so scared she's going to ask again if everything is okay. You're trying to come up with some answer when she sits down on the ground next to you. "So, there's a short story writing competition coming up that I'd love for you to enter. You'd even get some bonus points in my class if you do," she says enthusiastically. You stare at her blankly for a second. That was not even close to what you were expecting her to say. When you can finally think again, you tell her... [[No thanks. I'm not really the competition type.->More info]] [[Could be fun. How do I enter?->No thanks]]

You decide that you'd rather finish up this novel at recess today. You don't feel like searching the library for a new book right now. Plus, you want to know how it ends, and you're so close to finding out. [[Next.->Teacher approaches]]

It's a tad chilly outside today, so you think it's the perfect time to go to the library and look for a new book. You'll be finished with this one by tonight, so you want to be sure you have one to read tomorrow. [[Next.->Kids book]]

While looking through some picture books, a cover with a picture of a wine bottle catches your attention. You're shocked to find it's a book on parental alcoholism! You're very curious, but you'd never dare to officially check it out. Instead, you take it to a deserted corner of the library and read it when no one is looking. The word "alcoholic" keeps running through your mind. Sure, your mom drinks a lot. But she isn't an alcoholic. Is she? [[Next.->Shaken up - book - Hypervigilence]]

"That's totally fine," she says, "I just wanted to let you know about it just in case you were interested. I love how many books you've read so far this year. I'll be offering a special prize for the person who reads the most by the end of the school year. Keep it up!" You thank her and smile politely. Once she leaves, you sigh of relief. That was scary. [[Next.->Worry]]

Her question catches you off guard. You're not interested in joining any writing competition, but you feel like you can't tell her no. "Uhh, sure. How do I enter?" you ask. "Well, you can write on any topic you want. You have two weeks until the deadline. So once you're done, you can hand it to me and I'll submit it. Sound good?" she asks. "Yep, sounds good," you say. [[Next.->Feeling Pressure]]

You think about this competition for the rest of the day. You're feeling so much pressure already. What will you even write about? At dinner, your parents ask about your day. Do you tell them about the competition or keep it a secret? [[Tell your parents about it.->Tell parents at dinner]] [[Keep it a secret.->Keep it secret]]

After recess, you feel terrible. You find yourself going over your response over and over and over again in your head. Did you say the wrong thing? Should you have said yes even if you didn't want to do the competition? Does she like you less now since you said no? Does she think you are lazy? You go right to your room when you get home. You even ignore Adam and tell him to play in his room by himself. Mom is passed out on the kitchen floor. Nothing is going right. You feel like you are a failure at everything and can't do anything right. [[Next.->Depression worsens 2]]

You feel so shocked the rest of the day that you can barely concentrate. You knew your mom drank a lot, but seeing an actual book about it makes it feel so real. Almost like there's a serious secret that must be protected. What would people think if they knew? There was one part of the book that especially has you spooked. In the book, the kid told the teacher and the mom got taken away to rehab. You don't ever want that to happen. You don't want her to leave. You now know that you can't ever let this secret out, or terrible things will happen. [[Next.->Teach Adam]]

Mom is [[surprisingly sober, so you decide to tell your parents about the competition]]. They seem pretty excited and make you promise to share what you write with them before you submit it. [[Next.->Confidence Shattered]]

You decide not to tell them about the competition. You don't need any more pressure about it as you're already feeling plenty of pressure on your own. Plus, you know you don't have any chance of winning anyway. You're only doing it to make your teacher happy. [[Next.->Library 2]]

Two weeks have passed and you've finally finished your short story. You read it to your parents and they said they loved it! At school, you hand it to your teacher. She seems so excited that you submitted a story. For the first time in a long time, you're feeling confident. Not really about winning, just that you actually wrote something cool. You're still feeling great when you go home after school. Your heart sinks when you realize Mom is drunk and [[talking to her friend]] on the phone. You hear her talking about your story. She tells her friend that you're a terrible writer and there's no way you'd ever write something good enough to win a competition. You cannot believe what you just heard. Your confidence is completely shattered. [[Next.->Depression worsens 2]]

It's a Thursday afternoon. Dance night. You've been taking dance classes for a few weeks now, and you're having so much fun! You're packing up your dance gear when the teacher asks you to stay after class for a moment. "Lucy, you have a real talent for dance. I know you just started, but I wanted to know if you're interested in joining our dance company? It would be a much bigger time commitment with three classes a week, but I know you could handle it," says your teacher. This offer has caught you off guard, and you aren't quite sure what to say. You think for a moment and then tell her... [[I'd love to!->Make the company]] [[Thank you, but I just want to do it for fun.->Just for Fun]]

Adam says he wants to quit, which is fine with you. You thought that having Mom take you to an activity would give her a sense of purpose and help her to feel needed, but it hasn't. All she's doing is using it as an opportunity to sneak off to drink. Plus, you've heard her [[complain a few times]] about having to take you to the lessons. You figure quitting will be better for everyone. [[Next.->Clean Instead]]

You consider the offer to join the company, but you don't want to spend that many nights at dance class. You think about who [[would do Mom's chores and take care of Adam in the evenings if you weren't there.]] You don't see how it would work. Plus, there's a recital coming up in a few weeks. You don't need to be in the company to give Mom a recital to look forward to. You figure it would work best for everyone to stick with the regular dance class. [[Next.->Missed recital]]

"Sure! I'd love to!" you tell your teacher without any hesitation. Your teacher smiles and talks to your mom about what this commitment will mean. Your mom seems excited and even congratulates you on your achievement. [[Next.->Make the company 2]]

You tell Adam about an acting class you heard about at school. [[It's on the weekend,]] so Dad would be able to take you instead of Mom. Adam seems pretty excited about it, so you end up asking Dad if you could try the acting class instead of swimming. Dad says yes! [[Next.->Write a play]]

With the swimming lessons over, you've found that your new hobby has become cleaning. It's a great way to distract yourself from your mom's drinking, and it provides you with somewhere to channel your anxiety. Plus, your room has never been so tidy! With nothing left to do in your room, you've moved on to Adam's room. Your dad is finding it a tad concerning that you spend so much time organizing and cleaning, but you don't care. You enjoy it. It helps you feel like you have [[control over something]]. Even if it's only a clean room. [[Next.->Dad acting]]

It's been three weeks since you talked to the new girl, Mattie, for the first time. You're so happy that you decided to become friends with her because it turns out you have a lot in common. Her favorite video game is "Crash Bandicoot," and that happens to be your favorite game as well. It's been two weeks since Mom was drunk, so you get this awesome idea that you could maybe even ask Mattie to come over for a sleepover. You imagine how awesome it would be to stay up all night playing "Crash Bandicoot" and eating pizza and junk food. You do worry about Mom getting drunk, so you keep debating. Ultimately, you decide to... [[Ask.]] [[Don't ask.]]

You debate the question for the entire bus ride home. You haven't had a friend over in years and you're so excited to have someone your age to play "Crash Bandicoot" with. You make a deal with yourself that if Mom is not drunk when you get home, then you'll ask. You get off the bus and take a deep breath before you go inside. "Alright, here goes nothing," you think. You walk inside to find dinner cooking and a sober mom! "Well, that answers that. I'll ask at dinner," you say to yourself. At dinner, you ask about Mattie coming over and your parents say yes! After dinner, you even hear Dad tell Mom how important this is to you and please don't ruin it by drinking. You hear Mom promise him that she won't drink even one drop all weekend! [[Next.->Friend Comes]]

For the entire bus ride home, you debate about whether or not ask if Mattie can come over. As you walk down the bus steps, you decide it's too risky to ask and you should just forget the whole idea. You figure it's not worth risking the friendship over a stupid sleepover. You are content with your decision, but you didn't realize how big of a mistake it was to mention the sleepover to Adam. He got so excited over the thought of pizza, junk food, and video games that at dinner, he decided to ask for you. Then to your horror, your parents say they'd love for you to have a friend over. You're about to say that she's busy and can't come over, but Adam looks so excited that you can't get yourself to do it. You just hope nothing bad happens. You finally made a friend and don't want to scare her away already. After dinner, you hear Dad tell Mom how important this is to you and please don't ruin it by drinking. You hear Mom promise him that she won't drink even one drop all weekend! "Maybe it will be okay after all," you think. [[Next.->Friend Comes]]

It's Friday afternoon. The night of the sleepover has come at last. You're excited, but also really nervous. You hope that Mom meant the no drinking promise she made. You rush inside ahead of Mattie and Adam and find your mom in the kitchen with a plate of fresh baked cookies. "Wow! She hasn't been drinking at all!" you say to yourself. You open the door to invite Mattie inside. "Hi Mattie. It's so nice to meet you. Let me know if you need anything," Mom says. You show Mattie around, and then you begin to play "Crash Bandicoot." Around 6 pm, Dad comes home and he orders everyone pizza. Then you play even more video games. You're having the best night, and everything seems to be going great. However, around 8 pm you begin to notice a change in Mom and your stomach tightens with nerves. Her speech is becoming a bit slurred and she keeps [[coming in to check on Mattie and you every few minutes]]. She's asking the same things over and over and over. You start to feel ashamed and wonder if Mattie notices. She does. She asks if your mom has a memory problem. You apologize and tell her she [[takes sleeping pills]] before bed and sometimes they make her forgetful. [[Next.->Night Goes Wrong]]

When you get home, you take Adam outside and explain a few things to him. You want to make sure he knows never to tell anyone when Mommy seems to be acting funny. You tell him he can only talk about this to you or Dad and not anyone else. [[Next.->Pressure from secret]]

You debate about whether you should stay home and babysit Mom or go out of town. You'd love to go on a road trip. Dad always lets you stop at some neat places on the way and try different restaurants. Plus you could use a break from all the cleaning. You also hope that maybe if everyone is gone, [[she won't feel so stressed]]. You imagine her relaxing while ordering a pizza and watching any movie she wants. You're so excited at the thought of her having personal time that you decide to say you'll go on the trip. You truly think it's best for everyone. [[Next.->Go on trip]]

You'd love to go see your family and get out of town for a bit. It's been years since you've been anywhere, and you always have so much fun on road trips. Unfortunately, you're too worried about what might happen if you were to [[leave Mom alone]] for the weekend. What if she burned the house down? What if she hurt herself by falling and no one was there? Who would make sure she didn't leave and go drive drunk? No, you know you can't go. You must be there to [[watch Mom]]. [[Next.->Drunk whole weekend.]]

It's a Friday morning. Your anxiety is increasing because you're constantly worrying that someone will find out about your mom's drinking. Even though you continue to remind Adam not to tell, you still worry that he'll slip up and tell someone. You're also [[craving control]]. However, you feel that the only thing in your control is that you can do a few things to cover up how bad the drinking is so Dad won't find out. You feel that if you can hide some signs of her drinking, then he won't send her away because he won't know how bad things are. To accomplish this, you do everything you can after school to make sure Dad doesn't notice. For instance, you clean, you cook, you clean Mom up to make her look presentable, etc. When Dad gets home, you always tell him that she did all of it. Lately, you've done such a good job that Dad feels Mom is well enough for him to leave to go out town to see his family. Dad even asks if you'd like to come. You think about it and tell him... [[No, I'll stay here.->I'll stay home]] [[Sure, I'd love to go.->You go]]

It's a Sunday morning. What a terrible weekend. You've been alone with your mom the entire time because you convinced Adam to go with Dad. You're so happy Adam went with him because it's been a very rough few days. Mom got drunk after an hour after Dad left, and she's been rather scary and violent. Since no one else is there to share in her blaming fits, she's been yelling non-stop at you. Her favorite activity has been smashing some fragile ceramics. It took you hours last night to sweep up all the tiny shards of glass to make sure no one will step in them. After what seemed like weeks, she finally passed out. You spend the rest of the morning and afternoon cleaning because Dad and Adam will be home around 3. You [[hope you'll have everything cleaned up by then]]. [[Next.->Dad Asks How Weekend Was]]

Things seemed to be going great until Dad received a phone call late Saturday night. Mom was arrested! She went out to a bar and got caught driving home drunk. She was charged with a DUI and will be in jail until we get home to bail her out. Dad is furious. He tells you not to worry, and one night in jail might do her some good. You can't help but feel extremely guilty though. This is all your fault. If you had just stayed home to watch her, nothing like this would've happened. [[Next.->One Day Jail Time]]

You're finding it harder to do simple things like homework. Most of the time, you go home and cry all night after everyone else has gone to bed. No one realizes how sad you are because you've become a pro at faking happy during the day. Though you still make decent grades to avoid drawing attention to yourself, you are struggling with school because you just don't care about it anymore. In reality, you don't care about much at all anymore. [[Next.->Depression worsens 2]]

It's a Wednesday afternoon. You've been feeling so sad lately. You can't even remember the last day that Mom hasn't been drunk. She keeps getting worse and worse. Her yelling keeps getting [[directed more at you, and she keeps getting more violent]] in her throwing of objects. You're secretly struggling in school as well. Not because the material is hard, but because you're so tired and have no energy. Plus, you just don't care about the work. Why bother on it anyway? [[You don't see the point.]] You're too exhausted to keep trying to act happy. You feel like you are worthless. When you get home today, what do you do? [[Sit in bed and cry.->Cry in bed]] [[Sit on the swing in the backyard and stare at the ground.->Backyard swing.]]

You get home and run past your drunk mom. You don't feel like dealing with her right now. You throw yourself onto your bed and start crying into the pillows while hugging your favorite teddy bear. Suddenly, Mom barges in and finds you crying. "Quit crying you stupid brat. I've done nothing to you. You have nothing to be sad about," Mom yells. You ignore her. She gets more upset. "Oh, quit acting like I beat you or something. I've never hit you. Ever. Now get up and quit being so darn lazy," she yells. You try again to ignore her, but she grabs your arm, pulls you off the bed, and drags you out of your room. "Go be useful and play with your brother," she slurs. [[Next.->Run Away]]

You get home and run past your drunk mom. You don't feel like dealing with her right now. You run to the backyard, sit on your swing and cry uncontrollably. Suddenly, Mom comes outside and finds you crying. "Quit crying you stupid brat. I've done nothing to you. You have nothing to be sad about," Mom yells. You ignore her. She gets more upset. "Oh, quit acting like I beat you or something. I've never hit you. Ever. Now get up and quit being so darn lazy," she yells. You try again to ignore her, but she grabs your arm and pulls you off the swing and inside. "Go be useful and play with your brother," she slurs. [[Next.->Run Away]]

You've finally reached your breaking point where you can't take things anymore. You grab your emergency cell phone and steal some money out of the vacation fund jar. Then you find Adam and tell him to come with you. You watch for Mom to enter her room, and then you sneak outside and run down the street. "Where are we going?" Adam whines. "Away," you tell him. Where do you go? [[To the mall.->Mall]] [[To the movies.->Movie]]

"How bout we go to the mall? It'll be tons of fun!" you tell him. You wait at the bus stop then ride to the mall. You're determined to show Adam a fun time. You take him to the toy store and let him pick out anything he wants. Next, you go up to the food court and get a huge variety of food. You end up getting pizza, tacos, and wings. Then Adam wants ice cream, so you get that as well. [[Next.->Dad calling]]

"How bout we go to a movie?" you ask him. You hop on the bus and go straight to the movie theater. Adam wants to see the new movie about a dragon, so that is what you go and see. You surprise him with a giant bag of popcorn and an extra-large coke. He has an amazing time, which is exactly what you hoped for. [[Next.->Walk Home]]

When the movie finishes, you begin to walk back to the bus stop to go home. After a few minutes of walking, you see a car pass that looks much like your dad's car. The car stops and it is your dad. Yikes! He tells you to get inside the car, but you're so scared. You've been yelled at enough today and you just know how furious he must be. Realizing you have no other choice, you get into the car. [[Next.->Go Home]]

It's beginning to get dark outside. You finish up your food and walk around a tad more. You're just about to head back to the bus when your cell phone begins to ring. Dad is calling. You're scared to answer because you know how mad he's going to be. However, you don't want him to worry, so you answer anyway. "Don't be mad," you say timidly. "Is Adam with you?" he asks. "Yes," you tell him. "Tell me where you are, and I'll come to get you," he says. "We're at the mall," you tell him. [[Next.->Picked Up]]

About twenty minutes later, Dad arrives to pick you up. He says that he got home and you weren't there. Mom was so drunk that she didn't even notice that you left. He also says that he knows things are hard right now and he's not mad that you ran off because he understands why you did it. When you get home, you go up to your room and close the door. You just need a few minutes alone. [[Next.->Rehab News]]

You're shocked to find that Dad is understanding about why you left. He even takes Adam and you for pizza. At dinner, he explains that Mom was so drunk that she didn't even realize you left and that scared him. When you get home, you go up to your room and close the door. You just need a few minutes alone. [[Next.->Rehab News]]

It's been a week since your mom was arrested. You feel overwhelmed when you think of all the consequences of your mom's DUI. She has to do at least 40 hours of community service work and take a DUI class. You are secretly happy that she's also on probation. This means she's not allowed to drink at all. It also means she could be called at any time to take a drug test and face serious consequences if alcohol is found in her blood. You hope things will finally start to improve now that she legally can't drink. [[Next.->Looking For Comfort]]

It's 3 pm. You finish cleaning just as you see Dad pulling into the driveway. To make it look like you've had a fun weekend, you set up a board game in the living room and get Mom out of bed. Thankfully, she's pretty much sober by now. After greeting Dad and Adam, Mom excuses herself to her room. As soon as she leaves, Dad asks you how the weekend was. What do you tell him? [[That Mom was drunk the whole time.->Drunk Whole Time]] [[That everything was great.->Lie]]

You want to lie and say the weekend went great, but it was just so terrible that you can't get yourself to lie. You know you could get away with saying that it went well after all the cleaning you did, but instead, you find yourself telling the truth for once. You take a deep breath. "It was awful. Mom drank the entire weekend. Please don't tell her I told you! She'll never forgive me!" you tell him. Dad's face has grown solemn. He can see how scared and worried you are. "Don't worry, I won't tell. Now, how about you go outside and play," he says gently. You begin to walk outside just as Dad goes to confront Mom. You hear the conversation and know that he said nothing about you telling. It doesn't matter though. A few minutes later, Mom runs outside and yells at you for [[betraying her]]. You feel so terrible and wish that you'd never told. You feel she's right to be mad at you because you did betray her. [[Next.->Mom hates you]]

You almost tell your dad about the terrible weekend, but you stop yourself. You think of all the work you just did to clean up the mess, and you also fear any fight that might break out if he knew the truth. You don't want your dad to feel like he can't visit his family when he wants to. You also don't want to give him any more reasons not to trust Mom. Plus, your mom kept telling you it's your fault she had to drink this weekend anyway. You feel like you'd be a tattletale if you tell him. You decide it's best for everyone if you keep it a secret. [[Next.->Worse]]

With all this talk about driving and drinking, you begin to think about that book in the library on parental alcoholism. You wonder if there are any more books like that. You decide to search to see if you can find any more. Where do you look? [[Search online.->Online]] [[Look at a bookstore.->Bookstore]]

You already know there aren't any other books in the school library, so you ask your dad to take you to the bookstore one Saturday. You try the kids' section with the other kids' self-help books, but there aren't any others. "If only my problem was being bullied. Then I'd have tons of books," you think. Next, you sneak off to the adult self-help section. You do see quite a few books for "adult children of alcoholics," but the reading level looks too hard. You figure you aren't an adult anyway, so they won't do any good. You feel sad and give up the search. You gotta handle this alone. [[Next.->More Jail]]

You open a private browsing window and search for other books. You find quite a few, but you don't have any money to buy them nor would you ever dare to ask for them. You imagine your parents would get really mad. You search for other resources and find things about support groups and counselors. That won't work either as you know your parents would never agree to that. They'd never let you openly talk about the family secret. You close the browser. You gotta handle this alone. [[Next.->More Jail]]

You don't notice your dad is standing right behind you when you finally yell at your mom. "You promised! You said that you wouldn't miss my recital for anything!" you yell. "I got sick. You can't blame someone for getting sick," Mom says. "You didn't get sick. You got DRUNK! You love your stupid alcohol more than me. Don't pretend I matter to you because I know I don't. The only thing that matters to you is getting your next drink," you yell. You turn and run to your room and slam your door. [[You've never been so mad.]] [[Next.->Rehab News]]

You try to pretend like it doesn't bother you. You don't see why it matters anyway. Mom won't care that she hurt you. All she cares about is her stupid alcohol. You place your rolled-up glittery poster on the floor and it rolls open. The "I love you, Mommy" is staring right at you. You just can't take it anymore. You take the poster to the living room where your mom is. "I made this for you, but I doubt you really care," you say to her. You take the poster and rip it into small pieces and leave it on the floor in front of her. Then you throw the bear she gave you into the pile of shredded poster board. Next, you storm off to your room and slam the door. [[Next.->Rehab News]]

It's a Friday night. Dress Rehearsal. You think about how awful yesterday was. Your mom was drunk before you left for school and still drunk when you got home. And not just drunk, but violent and mean. She kept yelling at you and calling you names like "stupid brat." Then, [[she'd rip paintings off the wall, pull books off the shelves, and smash fragile items like flower vases.]] You were really scared, and you barely got any sleep because she stayed that way until around 4 am. Now, you are feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. You're also very worried because you feel that she is getting worse each week. You can barely even remember a day when she hasn't been drunk. You try to get focused as you begin dress rehearsal for your first recital. However, due to lack of sleep and being so emotionally drained, you can't concentrate. Steps you should know like the back of your hand have escaped your mind. "Lucy! This recital is TOMORROW! You need to focus. You can't be messing up right now," your teacher snaps at you. You stare at the floor for a second and you... [[Break down crying. This all too much for you to handle.->Rehab surprise]] [[Apologize. Smile. And do it again. You can't let anyone know you are struggling.->Fake it.]]

You are ashamed, and you apologize for messing up. You step away for a moment to get a drink of water. "No one can know you are struggling. You can't let them see," you repeat to yourself. You take a deep breath and walk back to the dance floor with your head high and a big smile on your face. You concentrate, and this time you nail it without even one mistake. Your teacher gives you an approving nod. "You did it. [[Now no one will ever notice again]]," you think. [[Next.->Surprise Rehab Stay]]

You've been taking the acting class for a few weeks now, and you're loving it. You find it very relaxing to pretend to be someone else in a different family. You especially love the skits with normal moms that don't get drunk all the time. When you act those out, you pretend it's your mom and your life. You also find that you love to write scripts. For fun, you end up writing a short script about a daughter of an alcoholic mom. One night, you accidentally leave it on your bed while you go downstairs to watch TV. Your dad happens to find it and confronts you about it. You... [[Lie and say it's a skit for class.->Lie. Skit for class]] [[Say you wrote it.->Claim you wrote it]]

Your dad comes downstairs holding your skit. "Lucy, what is this?" he asks. You panic. The last thing you want is for him to know how you feel about things with your mom. You say the first thing that comes to your mind. "Oh, just a skit we were acting out in class," you say. "For class? This doesn't seem appropriate for kids, especially someone as young as Adam. I'm going to hold onto it so I can talk to your teacher about it," he says. Your panic grows even stronger. You... [[Change your story. Don't want him to ask.->Change Story]] [[Can't admit you lied. Maybe he won't ask. Risk it.->Risk it.]]

You take a deep breath and admit that you wrote it about your feelings with Mom. You say that it's personal, like a diary, and you didn't mean for anyone to read it. Your dad looks deeply concerned and hugs you. He tells you that it's good you are venting your anger and emotions into something healthy like writing. He asks if he can hold onto it for a little bit, and you say yes. You relax until you realize he's going into Mom's room to talk to her about what you wrote. You listen to the conversation. "Your daughter wrote this about you. Don't you realize what you're doing to your children? Can't you stop drinking for them?" he asks. "I love them. They're my whole world," she says. "That didn't answer the question. Would you stop drinking for them?" he asks again. She never answers the question, and you realize that you're not worth more than alcohol to her. She loves alcohol more than she loves you. [[Next.->Ending - Rehab Drama]]

"No! Wait! I wrote it. It's not the teacher's fault. We only act out happy scripts with loving moms that don't ever drink," you say. "Why would you lie to me about this? It's not like you to lie," he says. "I just wrote it to make me feel better. I didn't mean for anyone to see it. It's personal. Kinda like a diary," you tell him. He thanks you for telling the truth and says he's going to keep it for the moment. He'll give it back to you later that day. You can tell he's worried that you'd write something like that. You hear him going up to Mom, and your heart sinks. You know he's going to tell her about it. [[Next.->Ending - Rehab Drama]]

It's a Saturday morning two weeks after Dad found your skit. After reading your skit, your dad realized he needed to force Mom into a rehab program because she'll never get help for herself or admit that she has a problem. With the help of a therapist, he was finally able to get her involuntarily admitted into a program. She's been gone for about a week now. It's a 30-day program, so she'll be home in a few weeks. You miss her deeply, but you're feeling hopeful this is the answer that will finally bring your mom back. For now, all you can do is mark the days off on your calendar and keep going. "Soon she'll be home, and things will be so much better," you think as you cross off day eight. [[End.->End 2]]

It's been three days since Dad got home. Things have been super tense since you told Dad about Mom drinking the entire time he was gone. When you got home today, you had a feeling that something bad might happen. Unfortunately, you were right. When you got home, Mom was drunk and angry at you for telling on her. It felt as though the sight of you set her off. As soon as you walked inside, she started to yell at you. "Why did you have to tell? Why did you betray me like that? You ruined everything. I hate you and never want to see you again. You can forget all about having a mother," she yells. Before you can even process those words, she's grabbed her keys and sped away in the car. You feel like this is all your fault. Why did you have to tell? If you had just kept the secret, then none of this would have happened, and she wouldn't be out driving drunk. [[Next.->Ending - Mom goes to grandmas]]

It's been a week since Mom left. You still feel so awful about what happened. Thankfully, she didn't get pulled over by the police or get into any type of car accident. Dad tells you that Mom has been at Grandma's. You call her every day, but she never answers. Grandma keeps telling you just to give her some time and she'll come around. You can't help but wonder if she actually will or if she's gone forever. You wish you could take back what you did. Maybe then she'd still be here. Adam lost his mom and it's all your fault. You decide to draw her a card. You hope that when she sees it, she'll know how sorry you are and she'll come home. You plop a stamp on the envelope and give the card a kiss before sticking it in the mailbox. "Maybe soon she'll come home," you think. [[End.->End 5]]

You're so happy you never told on Mom. Dad seemed relieved to hear that nothing happened while he was away. You do hate [[lying, but sometimes it's just so much easier than telling the truth]]. Things still just seem to get worse though. Mom is drunk every single day now. You don't know how much more you can stand. This has to stop sometime, right?! [[Next.->Ending - Wake up call emergency]]

Something terrible happened today. At school this morning, Adam was playing on the monkey bars when he fell and broke his arm. The school nurse tried frantically to reach your mom, but she'd never answer the phone. Dad was an hour away at a business conference for work, but they finally reached him. Dad arrived at the school to take Adam to the emergency room. You got to leave school early to go with them. Hours later when you got back from the emergency room, Dad sent Adam and you to your room so he could talk to Mom. He was furious because she never answered the phone once, not even during the hours you were at the hospital. You hear him ask what would've happened if there had been an emergency at home without a teacher supervising, and she was passed out drunk and couldn't do anything to help. He tells her that he's not risking the lives of his children for her drinking. Then you hear him give her a choice between going to rehab and getting help or getting a divorce and leaving. He says he wants an answer in three days. You feel sick pondering what her answer will be. You hope she chooses rehab. You can't imagine her not being home anymore. [[Next.->Choice]]

When morning comes, Dad makes breakfast while Mom stays in bed. You apologize to Mattie so much you're sure she's sick of hearing it. "Please don't tell your parents about this. It was just some crazy sleeping pill side effects. Mom would feel so embarrassed if you tell them," you say. "If they ask if anything bad happened, I have to tell them. If they don't, then I won't," she says. "Okay, I understand," you say. "I did have fun though," Mattie says. [[Next.->Tell Friend]]

It's a Monday morning. Mattie seeing your mom like that has been weighing on your mind since she left your house Saturday afternoon. You wonder if she bought the sleeping pill excuse or if she's going to think you're weird and avoid you forever now. You haven't spoken to her at school yet today. You keep debating about if you should tell her about your mom's drinking or not. You really can't decide what's the best thing to do. You finally decide to... [[Tell her.->Tell Friend 2]] [[Don't tell her.->Make up something]]

It's Monday morning after the sleepover. You consider revising your sleeping pills story and telling Mattie the truth, but you decide against it. All these thoughts begin to go through your head. What if she tells someone? Would I be betraying my family by telling the secret? Would my mom get into trouble? Mattie seems unsure about what to say to you. You end up avoiding her. You decide that having friends isn't worth it after all. You can never invite anyone over again anyway. You decide that it's best to be alone. [[Next.->Ending - Close off to world]]

You decide that you want to tell Mattie about your mom's drinking problem. Well, you don't really want to share that information, but you're worried that she's never going to talk to you again now. At recess, you work up the nerve and finally ask her to play near this tree with you. "So, Mattie. About what happened. It wasn't sleeping pills. Sometimes my mom drinks too much alcohol, and it makes her act weird. It's embarrassing, so I've never told anyone before. I'm sorry. I know I should have told you sooner. Can you please not tell anyone?" you ask her. Mattie goes quiet for a moment. "I won't tell. I promise. Hey, so if you ever wanna talk to me about it, you can. I've never experienced anything like it myself, so I can't say I'll understand, but you can tell me," she says. "Thank you. That means a lot," you tell her. [[Next.->Ending - Friend to talk to]]

You feel so happy that you took the risk and opened up to Mattie. Nothing seems to be getting better at home. However, things feel different now because of having Mattie to talk to. You've found that what helps is to write her a letter. Whenever you feel overwhelmed about everything, you sit down and write her as long of a letter as you need. You don't even care if she writes you back. Just having someone to talk to is making all the difference in the world to you. Even if things are bad, you know that you'll be okay. [[End.->End 3]]

You were hoping that having Mattie as a friend would change things for you, but all it did was make you realize how alone you are. You realize that you can't trust anyone with your secret because you'll get hurt. You've decided that having friends is not worth the heartache, and you're better off just being alone. "I will never trust anyone again," you tell yourself. You realize you have a lonely life ahead of you, but you figure it's just how it must be. [[End.->End 4]]

You've tried so hard to be strong, but you've reached your breaking point. You collapse on the floor and start sobbing uncontrollably. Your classmates all stop to stare at you, and your teacher looks at you with great concern. She calmly walks over, helps you off the floor, and takes you out of the room. "Honey, what's wrong? This isn't like you to have an off day like this. Is there something I can do?" she asks. You [[don't dare to tell on your mom]]. You can't think of anything to say, so you stare at the floor and shake your head. Your teacher walks away, finds your dad, and explains what happened. Then your dad walks you out of the dance studio and to the car. "Look, Lucy. I know things have been hard lately. I don't ever want you to go through another night like last night. There's something I need to tell you. Mommy is going to go away for a little while. She'll be going to a special program for people just like her that have problems with drinking. They're going to help her get better," he tells you. Your eyes light up with hope and excitement. "Mom's going to get better?" you ask. "She sure is," he replies. You are feeling full of hope now, and you ask to go back to class. You do so much better this time. You don't make even one mistake. [[Next.->Things are too calm]]

It's a Wednesday afternoon. You think back to the night of your recital a few weeks ago. Mom was so hungover that she couldn't help you get ready so your dad had to get someone at the dance studio to help you with your hair, makeup, and costume. Your mom also was too drunk to leave the bed, so she missed it. You were devastated. A few days later your mom left for the rehab program. She's been there for about 2 weeks now. It's a 30-day program, so she'll be home in about 2 more weeks. You're so relieved that she's getting help. Your dad keeps telling you that things will be so much better when she comes home. She might even have a new job lined up. One that she's really looking forward to. Adam doesn't seem too bothered by her being gone, but you're having a hard time [[adjusting to the calmness]] of the house. You don't know what to feel without having to spend all day at school worrying about [[which mom]] you'll be coming home to. Dad has also been working from home for the past 2 weeks, so he's also been taking care of the cleaning, cooking, and helping Adam with his homework. You've discovered that you [[feel highly uneasy when everything is going well]]. You can't handle this calm time because you just keep waiting for the chaos to happen again. [[Next.->Coming Home]]

You skip happily to the kitchen, but then you're hit by a wave of disappointment. Mom isn't cooking breakfast. Your stomach tightens as you walk towards the living room. Your worst fear comes true as you see your mom passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of vodka on the floor. Too sad to move, you stand there in disbelief. A few seconds later, your dad and little brother, Adam, come in. You know Adam is about to feel crushed. He's been talking about seeing the elephants all week. Your dad rushes over and grabs the vodka bottle before Adam sees it. "I'm so sorry kiddos. Mommy is sick today. How about tomorrow I take you guys to the zoo. Okay?" Dad asks. Your dad's offer easily wins Adam over, especially as dad starts to make his favorite cinnamon pancakes as a distraction. You smile and try to act excited, but you're devastated. This devastation isn't so much about the zoo, but by yet another [[broken promise]]. [[Next.->Clean Room]]

For Adam's sake, you act cheerful through breakfast. Afterward, you excuse yourself to your room so you can have some time alone with your thoughts. You hate feeling sad on what was meant to be a happy day, so you distract yourself with some cleaning. While pulling out a pile of junk from under your bed, you notice an old diary. You study the cover of it. It's pink with cute little ballerina bunnies. This was one of your favorite diaries because the cover always made you smile. [[Open it.->Open it]]

You open the diary to a random page near the beginning and read the old entry. This one happens to be from around a year ago and describes a happy Saturday morning. The page reads... //Dear Diary, I had the best day today. Mom took me to see a movie and then we went out for pizza and ice cream. Later, I played "Candyland" with my parents. It was so nice having a day with my mom again. She's been so busy with Adam that I've felt kinda lonely. But today that all changed. I love her so much. She always knows how to make a day great.// Tears fill your eyes as you think back to these happier times. Your mom was always the best. How have things ended up where they are now? You flip towards the end of the diary. There you find the entry of THE day. The day that everything started to change. Do you... [[Read it.-> Read it.]] [[Close the diary.-> Close it]]

You take a deep breath, and then begin to read the entry. It says: //Dear Diary, Today was really scary. I woke up to a loud banging noise coming from the kitchen. When I went in there to see what it was, I saw Mom kicking the metal trashcan. She had kicked it so much that it was bent and barely even looked like a trashcan anymore. She was also yelling really loud and saying bad words. I couldn't find Dad, so I grabbed the phone and ran back to my room. I called him and told him to come home right away. Mom followed me back there and grabbed the phone out of my hand right after I hung up. She yelled at me for calling him and said I had just betrayed her and she would never forgive me. Then she yelled at me some more. Thankfully Dad came back right then. I was crying so hard. I don't understand what happened because I've never seen Mom yell before. Did I do something wrong? // [[Next.->The past.]]

You're already feeling sad, so you shove the diary under your bed and keep cleaning. Reading the entry about the happier days was hard enough. You aren't sure you feel like re-visiting the super confusing time when everything started to change. [[Keep cleaning.-> Open it anyway.]]

You've been cleaning for about thirty minutes. All the junk under your bed has now been put away except for the diary. You pick it up again to place it on a shelf when it falls out of your hands. It lands on the floor open to the entry about THE day. As you pick it back up, you happen to see the words "really scary." Curiosity gets the best of you, and you decide to read about the day you've tried so hard to forget. This is the entry of the first time you remember seeing Mom drunk. It reads... //Dear Diary, Today was really scary. I woke up to a loud banging noise coming from the kitchen. When I went in there to see what it was, I saw Mom kicking the metal trashcan. She had kicked it so much that it was bent and barely even looked like a trashcan anymore. She was also yelling really loud and saying bad words. I couldn't find Dad, so I grabbed the phone and ran back to my room. I called him and told him to come home right away. Mom followed me back there and grabbed the phone out of my hand right after I hung up. She yelled at me for calling him and said I had just betrayed her and she would never forgive me. Then she yelled at me some more. Thankfully Dad came back right then. I was crying so hard. I don't understand what happened because I've never seen Mom yell before. Did I do something wrong? // [[Next.->The past.]]

You love both, so it was a tough call. Ultimately, you decided that a trip to the water park would last much longer than mini-golfing. And you are so happy you chose the water park because you had an incredible day. Adam had a blast in the kiddie pool section with the baby slides while you decided to get brave and tried some of the bigger rides you'd always been too scared to ride. You discovered that they weren't that scary after all. Mom was perfect all day too. She was her normal, fun, joyful self who had a blast playing and riding rides with Adam and you. You begin to feel guilty for even doubting her. With a day this fun, there can't be anything that goes wrong again. "What a fun day!" you think as you settle into bed that night. [[Next.->Excited]]

It was a tough choice, but you're happy you chose mini-golf over the water park. The outing lasted much longer than you thought because afterward, you got to play in the arcade and get pizza and ice cream. Not to mention you also got your first hole-in-one and won enough tickets at the arcade to get this giant teddy bear. Mom was perfect all day too. She was her normal, fun, joyful self who had a blast playing mini-golf with Adam and you. You begin to feel guilty for even doubting her. With a day this fun, there can't be anything that goes wrong again. "What a fun day!" you think as you settle into bed that night. [[Next.->Excited]]

[["Maybe she's just tired,"]] you think, "Perhaps I just heard her wrong and she meant we're all going to make the cookies together when we got home." You decide to wake her up so we can start baking because Adam was really looking forward to those cookies. You tap her on the shoulder. "Mommy? Mommy?! We're home and have so much to tell you! Can we make the cookies now?" you ask excitedly. No response. Just then Adam comes bouncing through the door and jumps on the bed next to her. "Mommmmyyyyy! Wanna hear bout my first day?!" he asks. Mom begins to wake up. "Go away!" she slurs. "But Mommy, today was so fun!" he exclaims again. "I said leave me alone!" she yells. Adam stops. The excitement drains from his face. He doesn't understand what he did wrong and tears begin to fill his eyes. "Come on, Adam. Mommy's just tired. Let's go play," you say as you pick him up and carry him out of the room. You call Dad and tell him Mom is sick, and then you take Adam outside for a game of kickball. [[Next.-> Later that night]]

[["She must be sick again,"]] you think to yourself. Not wanting to disturb her, you quietly close the door and go to check on Adam. You tell him that Mommy is not feeling well, so we're going to go outside and play so we don't disturb her. "But what about the cookies?" he whines. "Don't worry. We'll still get something special. I promise," you tell him. You call Dad and tell him that Mom is sick and hasn't left bed since you've been home. He tells you not to worry, and he'll take care of dinner. He says he'll be home in about an hour. You try to have fun with Adam, but you're worried. You wonder if Mommy is actually sick, or if she's been drinking again. You figure she's probably just sick because she promised she'd never do that again. [[Next.->Later that Night 2]]

You try to enjoy your kickball game with Adam, but your stomach is in knots. You know she must have been drinking because she'd never yell at Adam like that otherwise. "She promised she wouldn't drink again," you think to yourself. Adam quits playing and looks at you sadly. "You don't wanna play with me?" he asks. You know he's had a rough time since getting home, and you don't want to disappoint him more than he already has been, so you push your feelings aside and try to have fun. [[Next.->At Dinner]]

About an hour later, Dad comes home with dinner and a surprise. Brownies! Adam's face lights up when he sees them, and he rushes to hug Dad. The three of you sit down for dinner, but Mom never wakes up to join. "So Lucy, how was your first day?" Dad asks. "Fine," you say. Your enthusiasm is gone, and you [[don't feel like sharing anymore]]. Luckily, before Dad can press further, Adam starts happily talking about his first day. You spend the rest of dinner sitting quietly and poking at your food. You're too worried to eat. [[Next.->Open House]]

An hour later you arrive at school with your parents and brother. Your excitement has turned into worry. What if your teacher notices the alcohol smell? What will she think? Thankfully, your parents decide to visit Adam's classroom first. His teacher doesn't notice any alcohol smell, so you begin to think that it was all in your mind. However, you still can't help but worry because you have no idea what would happen if someone notices. After about twenty minutes, your parents finish Adam's classroom tour, and now it's your turn. Your parents walk into your classroom and greet your teacher. Do you... [[Skip the tour. Leave as fast as possible.]] [[Seems okay. I'll show them around.]]

After meeting your teacher, your parents look at you expectedly for the detailed tour you give them each year. You glance around as the parents of your classmates flood the room. You begin to feel embarrassed and terrified of any of them talking to your mom and noticing she's been drinking. Your heart is racing, and you're no longer in the mood for giving a tour. Instead, you want to get out of there and leave before anyone can notice. As an excuse, you say you have a tummy ache, and you want to go home. Concerned, your parents take you right home. "Whew," you think, "That was close." [[Next.->Weekend]]

So far, everything has seemed to go just fine. Adam's teacher didn't notice, and your teacher doesn't seem to either. You decide to go ahead with the tour. After all, this is the last open house you'll have at this school. Plus, you wanted to show your mom the painting you made for her. On the ride home, you begin to doubt yourself. You thought for sure you smelled alcohol, but since no one else noticed, you figure you imagined the whole thing. [[Next.->Weekend]]

You walk Adam outside to the backyard. Curiosity gets the best of you, and you want to hear what your dad says to your mom. You tell Adam you need to grab something from your room, and you quietly open the door and sneak inside. You [[hide behind the sofa]] in the living room and listen to your parents talk. "Parenting is too hard and too stressful. If they weren't always so much trouble, I wouldn't need to drink. It's all their fault," Mom slurs. What is said next you don't remember. Those words keep replaying in your mind. You feel like you've had all the air knocked out of you. You know she said "they," but Adam is too young to be any trouble. [[You interpret it as "you." It's "your" fault.]] You're the reason she drinks. How can that even be? But it must be. She just said so. She would never lie about that. You go back outside and begin to cry. You've never felt so terrible. [[Next.->It's your fault]]

You and Adam begin to play a game of make-believe outside. He wants his sword so he can be a pirate, so you offer to go inside and get it for him. As you are walking inside, you hear your mom speaking to your dad. "Parenting is too hard and too stressful. If they weren't always so much trouble, I wouldn't need to drink. It's all their fault," Mom slurs. What is said next you don't remember. Those words keep replaying in your mind. You feel like you've had all the air knocked out of you. You know she said "they," but Adam is too young to be any trouble. [[You interpret it as "you."]] It's "your" fault. You're the reason she drinks. How can that even be? But it must be. She just said so. She would never lie about that. You go back outside and begin to cry. You've never felt so terrible. [[Next.->It's your fault]]

You're so devastated the rest of the day because you don't know how to make sense of what Mom said about Adam and you. You know that Adam is too young to understand. Plus, he's never bad. This must be your fault and not his. Also, you're the big sister, so you know it's up to you to make sure everything is okay for him. All these thoughts keep running through your mind as you climb into bed that night. Finally, a realization hits you. You realize that... [[I need to be a better daughter.]] [[I hate who I am.]]

You pull the covers over your head and think about the ways you can be better. Maybe if you didn't make any more mistakes, did more chores, did better in school, and helped more with Adam, then Mom wouldn't need to drink. You realize [[it's up to you to fix this.]] After all, you're the reason it happened to begin with. [[Next.->3rd week of school 2]]

You pull the covers over your head and break down into tears. You don't understand how everything went so wrong. Why does she hate you so much? How did you ruin her life? You realize that you must be a terrible daughter, and it's your fault she's so miserable. [[You hate everything about yourself.]] If your mom finds you this awful, then you must be the worst daughter in the world. [[Next.->3rd week of school]]

"But all you've been doing all week is homework," he whines. "I'm sorry. But when you get to 5th grade, you'll understand," you tell him. Adam's excitement fades into sadness. You feel bad, but there's nothing you can do. You have to do well on this test. You go to your room, close your door, and study until your dad forces you downstairs for dinner. You eat quickly. You usually love dinner, but lately it [[feels like a waste of time.]] All you can think about is how you need to get back to your flashcards. Once dinner is over, you rush to your room and study more until your dad forces you into bed at 9 pm. However, you grab a flashlight and keep studying well into 3 am. You must know this stuff perfectly. [[Next.->Test day]]

The excitement on Adam's face melts your heart. There's no way you can say no to him. You tell him you can play one game, but then you need to get back to your homework. He happily accepts that offer and sets up the game. [[After about 30 minutes of playing, you begin to get anxious.]] This game is taking much longer than you imagined. An hour passes and then it's dinner time. By the time dinner is over, you're beginning to panic. You just wasted your last afternoon to study. You try to make up for the lost time by closing yourself into your room and studying as much as you can until Dad forces you into bed at 9 pm. As soon as he leaves, you grab a flashlight and continue to study until 3 am. You must do well on this test. [[Next.->Test day]]

You were so nervous all night that you couldn't sleep. So much depends on this test grade. You feel like if you did well on the exam, your mom will stop drinking. However, if you did poorly, she'll never stop. Your hands are shaking as your teacher places your test face down on your desk. You hold your breath as you turn it over. You see the grade of 94 with a smiley face and the note "amazing job!" next to it. "Amazing job?" Is she serious? You failed. How can she think that's amazing? You're so devastated that you did that poorly on this test. Mom will never quit drinking if she's stuck with an almost B student. You can't believe you are such a failure. You feel an urgent need to leave the classroom. You raise your hand, and your teacher comes to you. You... [[Ask to go to the bathroom.]] [[Say you feel sick.]]

You go into the bathroom and break down crying. You worked so hard on that test. [[How did you still fail?]] You realize from now on you'll need to try even harder if you want Mom to stop drinking. There can be no more messing up. If you hope to get her back, you must be perfect. You force yourself to stop crying and go back to the classroom. [[Next.->Go home]]

You're too devastated to function right now. All you want to do is go home, cry, and hide under the covers of your bed. Your teacher sends you to the nurse's station, and she calls your dad to pick you up. When your dad gets there, you fake looking sick and pathetic, so you can go to bed as soon as you get home. For the rest of the night, you hug your teddy bear and wish your mom had a better daughter than you. [[Next.->September.]]

You decide to work on your project because you still have a lot of work to do on it. Dad arrives home a few hours later and is shocked at the mess Mom made. A few moments later, Mom begins to wake up, and Dad confronts her about the mess. He calls her a crazy, useless drunk who is neglecting her children. Next, they get into a loud screaming fight. Adam gets scared and runs into your room for comfort. You end up holding him as you wait for the fighting to stop. You feel so guilty. You should've cleaned up the mess so Dad wouldn't have known it happened. No wonder Mom hates you so much. You're always getting her into trouble. "This is my fault. I'm so sorry," you tell Adam. "I'll make sure this doesn't happen again." [[Next.->Need an Extra curricular activity]]

You look around at the house and decide to clean up. The project will just have to wait until later tonight. The last thing you want is for Dad to come home, see this mess, and get mad at Mom. She doesn't deserve to be yelled at for it. You decide that [[she's just stressed out and had to get some anger out somehow.]] You get Adam entertained with a game, and then you get to work. You get the mess cleaned up and Mom off the floor and into bed just as Dad walks in. You even had time to get some stuff out for dinner to make it look like Mom was about to start cooking. And best of all, your cleaning paid off. Dad didn't say anything to Mom about drinking or neglecting her chores. [[Next.->Need an Extra curricular activity]]

It's Saturday morning. Recital day! You make a few finishing touches on your poster and head downstairs for breakfast. Your dad is cooking a huge breakfast of sausage, pancakes, bacon, and fruit. You sit down to enjoy this delicious meal. "You're coming tonight, right Mommy?" you ask. "Of course, sweetie. I know how hard you've been working to prepare for it. I wouldn't miss it for anything," she says. You [[secretly wonder]] if the "for anything" also includes alcohol. But you quickly push that from your mind. You tell yourself there's no way she'd get drunk for something this important to you. [[Next.->Not there]]

There are just a few minutes until showtime! You peel back the curtain and look for your parents and little brother, but they aren't there yet. "They'll be here soon," you think. The show is about to start, so your teacher gathers everyone into a line. Then you get into position and smile. You can't wait to make your mom proud tonight. [[Next.->Recital time]]

You're in your room when your dad knocks on the door and comes inside. He sits next to you on your bed, pulls you close to him, and gives you a big hug. "I know things have been hard lately. It's okay for you to feel angry at your mom right now. Just know that she still loves you very much. I just talked to her, and she doesn't want to hurt you or Adam anymore. She's agreed to go to a rehab program for people who can't stop drinking," your dad tells you. "What? She's leaving us?" you ask. "Just for a little bit. She'll be gone for a month or two, and when she gets home, she won't need to drink anymore," he tells you. "You mean she'll be Mom again?" you ask. "Yes, she'll be Mom again," he tells you. Your anger suddenly vanishes, and you feel more joy than you remember feeling for a very long time. You try again to process what he just said. In a month or two, all of this will be behind you. You've never felt happier. [[End.->End 2]]

You are busy organizing Adam's room when your dad comes in. He tells you that he has a special surprise for you. He's signed you and Adam up for a new acting class. He says not to worry because he'll be taking you instead of Mom. He also promises it will be much more fun than swimming. [[Next.->Write a play]]

You consider risking it, but you can't. What you wrote was too personal. Plus, you don't want your drama teacher to get yelled at by your dad for something that wasn't her fault. Even worse, [[you don't want the family secret to be exposed]] like that. You decide to tell him that you wrote it. [[Next.->Change Story]]

At school the next day, you decide to go to the library to look at some books and see if you get any short story ideas. While looking through some picture books, a cover with a picture of a wine bottle catches your attention. You're shocked to find it's a book on parental alcoholism! You're very curious, but you'd never dare to check it out. Instead, you take it to a deserted corner of the library and read it when no one is looking. The word "alcoholic" keeps running through your mind. Sure, your mom drinks a lot. But she isn't an alcoholic. Is she? [[Next.->Shaken up - book - Hypervigilence]]

It's now been 30 days since Mom left, and tonight she's finally coming home! Dad says she's been doing great and that she's ready. At first, [[you were angry]] that she got so bad she had to leave, but now you're too excited. With Adam's help, you spent all weekend making her a surprise. You decorated the kitchen with a "Welcome Home" banner and even made her a cake that says, "We love you, Mommy!" Dad also took you both shopping to pick her out a special gift. Since she loves hummingbirds, you picked her out a beautiful hummingbird necklace. Once everything is ready, everyone gets into the car and drives to the rehab center. [[Next.->At Home]]

When you get home, Mom loves her surprises. She even wears her hummingbird necklace. Mom sits Adam and you down and explains that she learned so much during her stay at the rehabilitation program. She also apologizes for everything she's done over the last few years. She swears that she's different now and everything is going to be so much better. You give her a huge hug and then cut her a huge slice of the special chocolate cake. You feel happier than you've felt in a long time. You know this time she truly means it. You finally have your mom back. [[End.->End]]

Thank you for playing! I know it may not have been the easiest story to read through, but I appreciate your participation in this game. I chose to end this story with no exact resolution as there is never really a set ending for a child in an alcoholic household. While rehab programs, jail sentences, therapy, and AA meetings can help the problem, there is always the chance of everything slipping back to where it was or even getting worse than before. However, that is not to discourage programs offering help, as they do provide hope for positive change. If you would like to learn more, please check out the following resources: <a alt="external link to source" href="https://adultchildren.org/" target="_blank">Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families from Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization</a> <a alt="external link to source" href="https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/children" target="_blank">Children of Alcoholics: The Impacts of Alcoholics on Kids by Stacy Mosel. Hosted by American Addiction Centers</a> <a alt="external link to source" href="https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/10-traits-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics" target="_blank">10 Traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics by American Addiction Centers</a> <a alt="external link to source" href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/adult-children-of-alcoholics-janet-g-woititz/1100489498" target="_blank">Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz </a>

Today is the deadline for Mom's decision. You hear Mom tell Dad that she chooses to go to rehab. You're so relieved. You know that means that she'll still be gone for a while, but at least it won't be forever! You aren't sure what will happen while she's gone. However, for the first time in a long time, you feel there's hope for a better future. [[End.-> End 6]]

Things seem to go from bad to worse. A few days ago, your mom snuck out the bedroom window, grabbed her keys, and drove off. She went to a restaurant where she spent a few hours drinking before trying to drive home. She was stopped by the police and was arrested for a second DUI. This time it's much more serious. You're so scared because she'll be spending [[three months in jail]]. You're worried about how she'll get through it, but you're even more worried about Dad and Adam. What will everyone do while she's gone for so long? Will she be better afterward? Or will jail change her for the worst? Unfortunately, you know there's nothing you can do. All you can do is hope something good will come from this. [[End.->End 7]]

You get home from school today, and your mom isn't there. Instead, your dad is. He tells you and Adam to have a seat. "I know things have been hard lately. It's okay for you to feel angry at your mom right now. Just know that she still loves you very much. She doesn't want to hurt you guys anymore, so she's agreed to go to a rehab program for people who can't stop drinking," your dad says. "What? She's leaving us?" you ask. "Just for a little bit. She'll be gone for a month or two, and when she gets home, she won't need to drink anymore," he tells you. "You mean she'll be Mom again?" Adam asks. "Yes, she'll be Mom again," Dad says. Your anger suddenly vanishes, and you feel more joy than you remember feeling for a very long time. You try again to process what he just said. In a month or two, all of this will be behind you. You've never felt happier. [[Next.->Month Passes]]

The month passes quickly, and it's finally time for Mom to come home. Dad says she's been doing great, and she's ready. You were [[angry at first]], but now you're too excited. With Adam's help, you spent all weekend making her a surprise. You decorated the kitchen with a "Welcome Home" banner and even made her a cake that says, "We love you, Mommy!" Dad also took you both shopping to pick out a special gift for her. She loves hummingbirds, so you picked her out a beautiful hummingbird necklace. Once everything is ready, everyone gets into the car with Dad, and he drives to the rehab center. [[Next.->At Home 2]]

It's been three months, and everything has been going so well. Mom hasn't had even a drop of alcohol since being home. Today you come home from school and find her sleeping on the sofa. You're so confident that she's given up drinking for good that you assume she is sick. You go closer to check on her, and that is when you see the empty vodka bottle on the floor. You collapse to the floor. How can this be starting again? You truly believed she stopped, but now you feel that was another lie. You feel like you will never trust her or anyone again. [[End.->End 8]]

Your mom used to work as a receptionist at a doctor's office. When Adam was born, she quit to stay home with him. However, now that he's about to start school, your mom keeps talking about how she'll have the chance to go back to work. She seems genuinely excited about this change because you know she does miss work. You often hear her talking about her past jobs, so you hope this change in routine will be just what she needs to feel happy and not want to drink. [[Back.->September.]]

Your mom's drinking doesn't always have the same result on her mood. Sometimes, it just makes it where she slurs all her words and can't stand up straight. Those are your favorite because she doesn't really bother anyone and usually passes out quickly. Then there is what you call the "annoying" mood. With this one, she's not mean, but she's very forgetful. She asks you the same questions and tells you the same stories over and over and over again. Even if she just asked you or told you something five minutes ago, she doesn't remember doing it. She also becomes "overly motherly," and keeps checking on you and asking if you need anything every few seconds. This mood can get very tiring for everyone. The scariest one is what you call her "mean mood," and this is the one you dread. In this mood, she becomes violent, angry, and mean. She hates you and hates everyone. There is also usually one person she takes her anger out on. If Dad is home, then it's him. If he's not home, then it's you. She'll call you names and tell you that she hates you. She'll also say she wishes that you'd never been born and that you are terrible at everything you do. Sometimes, she'll get violent and throw objects, break things, smash things, etc. To make matters worse, she also blacks out during this mood. That means the next morning she won't remember anything she did. Then she gets mad that everyone is mad at her because she doesn't remember. [[Back.->Go Home ]]

Total silence is another red flag to you that something is up. If she's her normal self, she'll be doing stuff like cooking, cleaning, or watching tv. It will be inviting noises that you cherish. Total silence, however, can be scary. If there is no movement in the house, you know she has been drinking and is passed out. It's also one you dread because you never know which mood she'll be in when she wakes up. [[Back.->Go Home ]]

These episodes are part of the "mean mood." You know this means that if Dad isn't home, you'll be the victim in her blaming and yelling. This is the scariest time to be alone with her. Adam never gets yelled at like you do, which your happy about because you don't know how he'd handle it. [[Back.->Go Home ]]

You love your mom and want to believe she'd never do anything to harm you. Emotionally, you find it easier to believe she was "just mad" or "just stressed" when she does scary things. You find it easy to convince yourself that alcohol had nothing to do with it. [[Back.->Clean up the mess and do the project later.]]

Your mom doesn't talk on the phone with friends very often while sober. However, when drunk, it's one of her favorite things to do. She'll call up one of her friends and go into a long conversation with them about everything that's going wrong in her life. You wonder how much of it is true, and how much are just exaggerations. [[Back.->Need an Extra curricular activity]]

It's a Monday afternoon. Another dance night. You feel so privileged to be on an actual dance company! But wow, it's a lot of work. You didn't expect three classes a week to be this demanding. To make matters worse, Mom picked you up drunk four times. Fortunately, she's never come inside to get you, so no one has noticed. However, Dad kept having a fit when he realized she was driving drunk with you in the car. After the third time, he'd had enough. Now, Dad has to leave work early on the days you have dance class so he can take you. Knowing he's missing work for you makes you feel even more pressure. You want to be great at this. You imagine how disappointed everyone would be if you got kicked off the company for not being good enough. You never want that to happen. To make sure that never happens, on days you don't have class, you practice for hours after school. Between dance, homework, and taking over Mom's chores, you barely ever have a second to breathe or rest. You're feeling extremely stressed, but you know you must keep going. You can't mess this up. [[Next.->Have an off day]]

In your mind, you divide your mom out into two different moms. There's the "normal" mom. She is the mom you love and wish would always be there when you come home each day. Then there is the "other" mom. She is the one you fear and don't recognize. You often wonder how it can look just like your "normal" mom, but not be her. [[Back.->Things are too calm]]

You find you can't handle the times when things are going well. Instead of being able to enjoy the calm times, you find they make you highly uncomfortable. You know something bad will happen soon, so these times make you very anxious and on edge. [[Back.->Things are too calm]]

You thought it would be easy to look out into the audience during the show. However, between nerves and the bright stage lights, you found it best to avoid looking for your parents. You decided to save finding them for the special moment at the end of the show. The show goes so well. You make no mistakes and you know you nailed every single move. At the end of the show, you rush with all your classmates to get your poster. Barely unable to contain yourself, you skip excitedly to the stage and hold your glittery poster up for your mom to see. But then it hits you like a punch to the face. She's not there. Your dad is there. Your little brother is there. But your mom is not. You continue to smile so the audience doesn't see how upset you are. "That was amazing honey!" your dad tells you after the show. Adam runs up to you carrying a huge bouquet of flowers and gives you a hug. "Why didn't Mom come?" you demand. "She wanted to, but she started feeling bad. She asked me to give you this," Dad says as he hands you a small teddy bear. "Thanks," you say as you give your best fake smile and walk backstage to gather your things. You try to act happy, but you're so upset. You cannot believe she missed your recital. When you get home you see Mom sitting on the sofa with a bottle of vodka and watching TV. She's obviously quite drunk and barely seems to notice anyone just arrived home. You... [[Yell at her. You are so mad.->Yell at Mom]] [[Pretend you don't care.]]

Everything feels so out of control in your life that you find you desperately need something to have control over. You've discovered that cleaning gives you that sense of control you crave so badly. [[Back.->Clean Instead]]

In your mind, you divide your mom out into two different moms. There's the "normal" mom. This is the one you love and wish would always be there when you come home each day. Then there is the "other" mom. This is the one you fear and don't recognize. The one you wonder how it can look just like your "normal" mom, but not be her. [[Back.->3rd week of school]]

Your dad constantly tells you that what happens at home must never be told to anyone. He says that if someone were to find out then bad things could happen. He tells you that it's our family secret, and secrets must never be shared. [[Back.->September]]

You feel so different from other kids your age. You feel like they were given some handbook on how to be "normal" and you weren't. You also have a hard time relating to your classmates because you find things such as small talk to be very challenging. Mostly, you feel like your home life is so abnormal that you cannot possibly relate to anyone else. [[Back.->Make a friend or don't]]

It's around 10 pm the night of the sleepover. As the night goes on, your mom's behavior gets harder to explain. Now she can barely walk without falling, and she's clinging to the wall to stand up. Your dad tries to intervene. "Why don't you go upstairs so the girls can have some privacy," he tells her. "Are you telling me it's a crime to keep checking on them? I just want to make sure they're having fun. That's what good mothers do!" she says. "They are fine. They just want to play their game. Let's go upstairs," he says again. "You can't tell me what to do. This is my house too! I'm not even bothering them. Lucy, am I bothering you?" she asks. The question catches you off guard, and you aren't sure how to respond. "No, Mom," you say. You don't want her to get angry. "See! I told you," Mom snaps at your dad. You can tell Mattie is feeling uncomfortable. Mom finally gives in and goes upstairs. You've never felt so ashamed in your life. [[Next.->Talk to friend]]

When your dad is home, Mom's anger is directed towards him. She will call him names, yell at him, and blame him for her problems. However, when he's not home, this anger becomes directed at you. In his place, you become the reason for her drinking and all her problems. However, you're thankful it's never directed at Adam. You know he's too young to be able to handle it. [[Back.->Depression worsens 2]]

Your mom doesn't talk on the phone with friends very often while sober. However, when drunk, it is one of her favorite things to do. She'll call up one of her friends and go into a long conversation about everything that's going wrong in her life. You wonder how much of it is true, and how much is just exaggerations. [[Back.->Confidence Shattered]]

Everything feels so out of control in your life that you find you desperately need something to have control over. It doesn't matter what that thing is, as long as you have control over the outcome. [[Back.->Pressure from secret]]

You've felt like your mom's babysitter for so long that you can't imagine not being there to watch her. You realize it really should be the other way around with her taking care of you, but you figure she needs someone to watch her much more than you do. [[Back.->I'll stay home]]

You feel like you are always stuck in the middle. If you tell Dad what Mom does, then you are betraying Mom. If you don't tell Dad what Mom does, then you are betraying him. You feel like there is no win. [[Back.->Drunk Whole Time]]

You're always wanting to avoid adding any more conflict to situations. You've found that you tend to lie a lot to do this. It's usually small lies such as saying Mom did the cleaning when you did it. It's become so natural now that you find yourself doing it without thinking about it. [[Back.->Worse]]

Your mom has promised you so many times that she would never drink alcohol again. And each time, you can't help but believe her. After all, she is your mom, and you want to think she'd always tell you the truth. [[Back.->Kitchen]]

The complete silence instantly sets off alarm bells in your mind. If your mom is sober, the house would never be this quiet. There would be some noise even if it was just the low volume of the television. The silence puts your stomach into knots because you know something is wrong. [[Back.->First Day of School]]

You find that you don't always trust your observations because you always want to think the best of things. Even though you see the wine on her nightstand, you still feel like that's not enough "proof" that she's been drinking. Besides, you figure many moms drink some, so a glass of wine isn't that uncommon. [[Back.-> Wake]]

You sometimes experience drastic mood changes when your Mom has been drinking. If she's sober, then you love to share stories about your day and tell your parents everything that's on your mind. However, when she's been drinking, you tend to close yourself off. You don't want to share anything because you don't want her to know anything personal. You fear she might get drunk and make fun of you for something you told her. [[Back.->At Dinner]]

You find alcohol rather puzzling. You don't understand how it seems to make your mom hate everything she usually loves. For instance, her favorite foods, such as pizza, become "gross" and "junk" when she's been drinking. It's like it just takes all the happiness out of her world. If that's the case, you don't understand why anyone would ever drink. [[Back.->Weekend]]

You have become a skilled hider since your mom began drinking. You figure you might as well try to make it fun, so you tend to think of it like being a spy. To listen and watch your mom, you'll hide behind furniture, walk silently in the house, and listen through air vents. You even know a few places to go outside that you can hear Mom when she's screaming indoors. [[Back.->Pretend to go outside and listen to the conversation.]]

Being the oldest child, you feel like the blame has to be on you. You feel like you're the reason for everything that has gone wrong in your mom's life. Perhaps if you'd never been born, she'd be happy and would not need to drink. You feel like you somehow caused this drinking to start. You really can't come up with any other explanation for it. [[Back.->Go outside and play.]]

You are unknowingly beginning a coping mechanism of becoming overly responsible and a perfectionist. You are starting to believe that if you can be perfect, then everything will be okay again. You think that by doing this, your mom will no longer have any reason to drink, and she'll be your loving mom once again. For more information about perfectionism in children of alcoholics, please visit the following link. <a alt="external link to source" href="https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2015/10/what-every-adult-child-of-an-alcoholic-needs-to-know-about-perfectionism" target="_blank">What Every Adult Child of an Alcoholic Needs to Know About Perfectionism</a> [[Back.->I need to be a better daughter.]]

You are unknowingly beginning a coping mechanism of judging yourself harshly. You are starting to struggle to find positive things to say about yourself. However, you can always think of a million negative things to say. This self-talk is the beginning of a downward spiral into depression. For more information about characteristics of children of alcoholics, please visit the following link. <a alt="external link to source" href="https://www.ashwoodrecovery.com/blog/like-adult-child-alcoholic/" target="_blank">Ashwood Recovery</a> [[Back.->I hate who I am.]]

Everything you usually enjoy is starting to feel like a waste of time. You feel like every single second of every single day needs to be productive. If you aren't studying or cleaning, you are wasting time. You feel huge amounts of guilt for even just thinking of taking an hour or so to play with Adam like you used to. You wonder how you used to be so careless. [[Back.->I can't play right now. I need to study.]]

Your low A makes you feel like a complete failure. A few months ago, you would have been celebrating that grade. But now, you feel like unless you make a 100 (or higher), then you're a total failure. [[Back.->Ask to go to the bathroom.]]

Your need to be perfect has been extending to your emotions as well. You feel that if you show any emotion besides happiness, you're not worthy of being loved. To be sad would prove you are not perfect, so you want to make sure people only see you happy. [[Back.->Go home]]

Your sense of home responsibilities continues to grow. You feel like you must handle everything, and if you didn't, everything would fall apart. Some days, you feel like you are the parent of Adam and your mom. [[Back.->Just for Fun]]

You still don't fully understand these destructive rampages your mom goes on, and why they are a regular occurrence. Your mom will destroy everything in her path when she's like this. It sometimes feels like a tornado is ripping through the house, and you must sit and watch because it is out of your control. It is terrifying. [[Back.->Have an off day]]

Without realizing it, you've fallen into the main rules guiding an alcoholic family. These rules are "don't talk, don't trust, and don't feel." In this case, you'll go at any length to avoid talking about the problems at home. It would be a major rule violation to tell anyone about it. For more information about these rules, please visit the following links. <a alt="external link to source" href="https://medium.com/@heathercoleman_19406/why-its-hard-for-adult-children-acoas-to-feel-feelings-d5e550b7c756" target="_blank">Why It's Hard For Adult Children of Alcoholics to Feel Feelings</a> <a alt="external link to source" href="https://elunanetwork.org/resources/family-rules-dont-talk-dont-trust-dont-feel-dr.-claudia-black" target="_blank">Family Rules in the Alcoholic Household</a> [[Back.->Rehab surprise]]

You feel like you have to keep doing everything in your power to hide what goes on at home. You believe that if anyone knew how you truly felt, your entire world would fall apart. You also worry about what would happen to Mom if someone found out. Would she be a part of your life anymore? You worry as well about betraying her and your dad. You feel the only option is to keep it a secret. To do that, you must always appear happy and put together so no one will ever suspect anything. [[Back.->Fake it.]]

You find it hard to pinpoint exactly why you were angry with her. You think it was due to feeling like she abandoned you. You wonder how someone you loved so much could choose alcohol over you? How could she emotionally leave you and feel like some scary monster even though she never physically left? It is all highly confusing to you. Instead, you decide to focus on the fact that she is getting help, and she'll be your mom once again. [[Back.->Month Passes]]

Your finding the new calmness of the house to be extremely uncomfortable. It's hard for you to relax and enjoy not having to worry about what mood your mom might be in, or if anything bad is going to happen. It feels like a foreign world for you, and you hate it. You wonder if you should be this on edge during "calm" times. To you, it feels like something bad is waiting around the corner. You wish it would just hurry up and happen as you can't handle this suspense. [[Back.->Things are too calm]]

You find it hard to pinpoint exactly why you were angry with her. You think it was due to feeling like she abandoned you. You wonder how someone you loved so much could choose alcohol over you. How could she emotionally leave you and feel like some scary monster even though she never physically left? It's all very confusing to you. Instead, you decide to focus on the fact that she's getting help, and soon she'll be your mom once again. [[Back.->Coming Home]]

You sometimes wonder what goes on in your mom's mind. You wonder what she's thinking when she makes these promises to you. Does she mean them at the time? Or does she say them to make you happy, but know she's lying? How can she lie to you like that? How can she tell you things like she loves you and promises to stop, but know she has no intention of actually doing so? Or does she truly believe she'll stop when she makes the promise, but then something happens where she can't? You realize you may never know the answer to these questions, but you still can't help but think about them. [[Back.->Recital]]

You can't believe you got the nerve to yell at her. You've wanted to so many times before, but you were scared of what might happen if you did. For instance, what if yelling at her set her off, and she went driving drunk and killed someone? Or what if she went to the bar, got arrested, and was sent to jail for a long time? Or what if she decided to pack, leave, and never return? These were all the questions that would constantly enter your mind whenever you wanted to yell. This time, however, you couldn't contain yourself. [[Back.->Yell at Mom]]

Your mom has started doing things like this quite a lot when you go places. Sometimes, she'd take you to the toy store and disappear. You'd get worried and start looking around the store but couldn't find her anywhere. Then suddenly she appeared again, but you noticed she seemed a tad different and smelled like alcohol. The next time she took you to the toy store you decided to spy on her. You saw her sneak out the door, walk to the next door restaurant, and order a drink. You really couldn't believe she would do something like that, but now it just seems like an ordinary thing to you. [[Back.->Mom keeps showing up late to pick you up]]

Of course, you hear these complaints only when she's drunk. She'll get on the phone with one of her friends and talk bad about Dad or you. "I can't take it anymore. I hate having to take Lucy and Adam to these stupid classes. It's just so stressful for me, and drinking is the only thing that makes it somewhat bearable. No one understands the stress all this causes me except for you. You're truly the only person in the world that I care about," Mom tells her friend. You've heard a conversation like this quite a few times. You figure it's because of the burden of having to drive Adam and you. You figure that once again, another plan has backfired. [[Back.->Quit completely]]

You realize this goes against the plan of having somewhere for Mom to take you to make her feel special. However, you were kind of enjoying having an activity to go to that's out of the house. Plus, you think it's healthy for Adam to get out somewhere besides school and do something fun. You also hope that maybe if Mom sees the two of you having fun then maybe she'll get more motivated to do something herself like going back to work. [[Back.->New Activity]]

You can't imagine what would happen if your drama teacher knew your family secret. What would she think about you and Adam? Would she kick you out of her class? Would she call the police? Would you be sent away to foster care? Adam could never handle any of that. You know you must do what you can to make sure none of that ever happens. [[Back.->Risk it.]]

You can't believe how close that was and it has set your mind into a panic. You imagine all these awful things happening, such as your teacher talking to the school counselor, the nurse, or even the principal. What if they called a social worker and visited your home and Mom was drunk? What if they called Dad and made him come in to talk? What if they called Mom and she arrived drunk? Too many disaster scenarios keep playing in your mind. You realize the best thing you can do from now on is try to act normal at all costs. [[Back.->Teacher Concerned]]

There's a bar a few minutes walk up the road that has become one of your mom's favorite hangouts. If everyone is home, sometimes she'll sneak out her bedroom window to go to the bar. She'll stay there for hours drinking and playing gambling games. A few times, she has gotten out of control, and the police became involved. It's been terrifying for you to have the police take her home because she was being "too loud" and causing a scene. You've been fortunate so far that she's had officers who agreed to take her home instead of taking her to jail. You cringe at the thought of her getting arrested someday. That would be one of the worst things in the world. [[Back.->Get Home]]

Without realizing it, you've fallen into the main rules guiding an alcoholic family. These rules are "don't talk, don't trust, and don't feel." In this case, you will go at any length to avoid talking about the problems at home. It would be a violation of these rules to tell anyone about it. To learn more about these rules, please visit the following websites: <a alt="external link to source" href="https://medium.com/@heathercoleman_19406/why-its-hard-for-adult-children-acoas-to-feel-feelings-d5e550b7c756" target="_blank">Why It's Hard For Adult Children of Alcoholics to Feel Feelings</a> <a alt="external link to source" href="https://elunanetwork.org/resources/family-rules-dont-talk-dont-trust-dont-feel-dr.-claudia-black" target="_blank">Family Rules in the Alcoholic Household</a> [[Back.->Say "hi."]]

Without realizing it, you've fallen into the main rules guiding an alcoholic family. These rules are "don't talk, don't trust, and don't feel." In this case, you will go at any length to avoid talking about the problems at home. It would be a violation of these rules to tell anyone about it. For more information about these rules, please visit the following websites: <a alt="external link to source" href="https://medium.com/@heathercoleman_19406/why-its-hard-for-adult-children-acoas-to-feel-feelings-d5e550b7c756" target="_blank">Why It's Hard For Adult Children of Alcoholics to Feel Feelings</a> <a alt="external link to source" href="https://elunanetwork.org/resources/family-rules-dont-talk-dont-trust-dont-feel-dr.-claudia-black" target="_blank">Family Rules in the Alcoholic Household</a> [[Back.->Don't say hi]]

This isn't a total lie on your part. Your mom does tend to take pills with alcohol, and it's usually sleeping pills. However, when drinking she'll take way too many because she doesn't remember that she already took one. This pill and alcohol combination tends to make things like slurred voice and her memory so much worse. [[Back.->Friend Comes]]

Your mom can get a bit "overly motherly" when she drinks. She'll keep checking on you and asking if you are okay or need anything like every minute. The problem is she doesn't remember that she asked you a hundred times already. You find it highly annoying when she does this. You figure it's better than her being mean and yelling at you, but her constant repetition of the same questions does get very old. And since you have a friend over, it's also highly embarrassing for you. [[Back.->Friend Comes]]

You're beginning to enter a dangerous level of depression. You have no motivation and don't care about anything you used to enjoy. You're sad every second of every day. When you are alone, you spend most of the time crying and daydreaming about the mom used to have many years ago. You wonder what happened to her and if she can ever come back. You figure that as long as you are around, she'll never come back. You wish you'd never been born. Maybe Adam would have a happy childhood if you weren't there. [[Back.->Depression worsens 2]]

You feel like you are two different people depending on your mom's mood for that day. When she's sober, you tell her everything. You love telling her stories about your day or anything that is going on in your life. She gives great advice and is always there to listen. However, when she's drunk, that's a completely different story. When that happens, you shut yourself off to the world. When asked about your day, you do your best to just say everything is "fine." You don't want to share anything because you never know how she may use what you say against you. One time, you remember telling her about a test you got a C on. When she was drunk later that night, she ended up telling her friend on the phone how she needed a smarter daughter. One that didn't get C's. Since then, you've been extra careful to not share any more than you must. [[Back.->Feeling Pressure]]

You can't help but feel like your mom is your responsibility. You think about all the times she was home by herself and all the trouble she got into during those times. If you went with your dad on errands, you'd always come home to her drunk. Same with other things like being at school all day or going over to a friend's house. You wonder if she waits for this time alone to start drinking. You figure she must plan it out to where she has all her alcohol stashed away somewhere, and as soon as you leave the driveway, she goes right to it. You shudder at the thought of her being alone the entire weekend. So much could happen. [[Back.->I'll stay home]]

Cleaning up her messes has become so natural for you that you don't even think much about it now. She gets drunk and destroys the house, and you clean it up. That's just how it is. You clean as a distraction, and also because you don't want Dad to know what happens when he's not there. You hate for your mom to get into trouble with him, and you're also worried that he might make Mom leave if he knew. You figure it's better for everyone if you clean it up yourself. Plus, once she gets sober, Mom never even remembers making the mess. She doesn't believe you when you say she did it. [[Back.->Drunk whole weekend.]]

You think back to the things Mom used to do when alone before she started drinking. She would relax, order food, take long hot baths, and watch her favorite movies. Sometimes, she'd surprise you with baking something special like a chocolate cake or iced brownies. Other times, she'd do something extra special like hide some toys and make it into a treasure hunt for when you got home. You wish she'd do things like that again. It was always so special. [[Back.->You go]]

You wonder how your mom is going to survive three whole months in jail. You worry that it might change her forever. What if they are mean to her? What if she hates the food? What if she gets sick? You don't know how you will survive either. You've never been away from her this long. Sure, she's usually drunk when she's home, but at least she's home. You don't know how you're going to cope with this. [[Back.->More Jail]]

You often wonder if your dad notices the things you do. There have been many times when you know something is "off" with your mom, but your dad says nothing about it. These times make you question yourself and leave you wondering if you're just overly sensitive. You figure you worry too much. [[Back.->Open House]]

You find it a special treat to come home to the "normal" noise in the house. This is when Mom has not been drinking at all. Usually, she'll be doing some cleaning and chores. Many times she's been baking. It makes you so happy to come home and find a fresh plate of cookies or brownies and a sober mom. Those are your happiest days ever. [[Back.->Go Home ]]

Lucy's Secret An interactive narrative about navigating through life while living with an alcoholic parent. By: Katie Allran [[Enter.->Intro]]